Televangelists: The Castration Crusade

February 11, 2018

It is a dreary, rainy November evening when I am skimming through the feed of what I personally believe is Twitter’s most followable account (@TheTweetOfGod), and stumble upon some fake-smiled, grease-haired ‘pastor’ called Joel Osteen. The man, who looks like a poor man’s Matthew McConaughey, apparently preaches something called ‘Prosperity Gospel’. Out of curiosity I watch a few of his clips to see what it is about. Upon realizing the man runs a ‘Megachurch’ in Texas and preys (makes money) on duping moronic, god-fearing Americans out of their money, I put him on to the ‘assholes who deserve to be castrated’-list and move on with my life. Fast forward a few months to now (beginning of February), whilst binge-watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver on YouTube I stumble upon his piece about Televangelists. I am fathomed, shocked, taken away, by what is piercing my retinas and ears.

Here they are, the biggest fucking conmen in the history of man. Fucking Televangelists. Just uttering their collective name makes my blood boil. Ugly fucking people who, legally, prey on the poor and the uneducated.




What struck me the most is the sheer amount of them, I thought that wimpy-looking scumbag named Joel Osteen was a rarity, boy was I wrong. Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copeland, Robert Tilton just to name a few of these scumbags. The wealth they have amassed strikes one equally hard. They own mansions, private jets, luxury cars among other things that the ultra-rich usually possess.


Let’s use the four scoundrels I have mentioned so far and take a look at what preaching the ‘word of God’ will buy you. Joel Osteen, a man whose mere appearance screams used-car sales man, is the proud owner of – not one, but two – multimillion dollar mansions. Moving on to Robert Tilton who, apparently, is a veteran in spewing bullshit on late night television; at the peak of his late night career Mr. Tilton earned 80 million dollars a year. EIGHTY FUCKING MILLION. Hardly seems like a preacher should make that much money, if his godly intentions are bona fide. Moving on to the appropriately named Creflo Dollar (his name sounds like he is craving money), in 2015; Mr. Dolldollabillyall started an online campaign in which he next-to-demanded his congregates to donate 300$ or more, in order to fund a 65 million dollar private yet he totally needed. Fuck you, Mr. Dollar. Finally we have the Genghis Khan, the main emperor, biggest slime-bag of the lot, Mr. Kenneth Copeland. Twat-Kenneth owns two private jets and has been caught using his jets for trips to exotic places. All in the name of God, of course. Along for the ride on these godly trips is Mr. Copeland’s equally charming wife, Gloria; who has been known for uttering the fantastic medical advice that praying will cure cancer. What a smart bunch. Adding to the already immense charm of the Copelands is Kenneth’s utterance that God told him he needed to be a billionaire. Yes, that is billionaire with a b; because all preachers need to acquire such immense wealth. Lo and behold, the Ken doll abided by his loving god and has, according to himself, acquired the immense wealth needed to preach the word, as his estimated net worth is 1.2 billion dollars. The estimation is subject to scrutiny as it is solely, an estimation. The reason why it is leads us to our next point.


The wealth of the televangelists are only estimations as no official tax records exist because, unfathomably, no taxes have ever been paid. Churches (if you can call the ministries of the Televangelists churches) are tax exempt in the US of A. Not only are these filthy fuckers skimming money from foolish, poor people, they are doing it without leaving a trace and lining their pockets with each dirty dollar. Their mansions are not subject to property tax, their planes (so obviously used for preaching-business purposes) are not subject to any tax, their income (other people’s hard earned money) is not subject to income tax. Disgust, I feel utterly disgusted.


At first I was certain that anyone stupid enough to actually hand over money to these crooks deserves to be swindled. But at longer glance and through an interview included in the Last Week Tonight piece, a lingering sympathy began to arise. I am against religion in general, which is another story for another time, but have over the recent years become a little bit more lenient in my hatred towards all things belief. Believe if you must, but Televangelist have nothing to do with real belief. They are nothing but money-hungry abominations who use the less-informed and gullible public. If you want proof of this, watch the piece on Last Week Tonight (I will include it in the end of the article along with some interesting articles for those who wish to read a bit more about it). In the piece John Oliver has actually corresponded with Robert Tilton over the course of seven months, and what Tilton basically is doing for the entire period of correspondence is ask for money, and then more money. And more. And more.


To round up, I can not express the hatred I feel for these lizards, the scum that is; Televangelists. Therefore I have decided to start saving up money in order to fly to the other end of the Atlantic. Once there I will hunt down and castrate each one of these purveyors of bullshit and filth. Until I have saved up enough money I call all citizens of earth to add Televangelists to their collective anathema, and if someone has the misfortune of meeting one of these pricks; please punch him in the face for me.


Until Next Time,



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